Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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