cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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