If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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