Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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