Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
