Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
