You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
