It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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