so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
