So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
