great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
