there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
