As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
