Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
