remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
