Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
