I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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