I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
