I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
