Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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