Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
