Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
