She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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