I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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