So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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