An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
