HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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