Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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