And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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