I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
