his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
