If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
