The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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