I met the friendliest cop last night
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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