if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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