I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
