Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
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