If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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