I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
