fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
