sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Randomize
