I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
