Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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