Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
