I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
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