I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
