Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
