I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
