...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
