I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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