I can tuck mytits in my pants
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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