watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
