There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Still dying that you shit outside
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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