the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
