My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
