I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
